Families form across international borders

November 10, 2008
By Stacy S. Jensen
Special to LIVE!

For Dorcas and Terry Maris, love has no boundaries – especially international ones. The couple adopted four children from Romania, taking them on a journey stretching their hearts and their patience with government red tape.  

"We had never discussed adoption," Terry said from their Del Rio home. "We had three sons." It was 1998 and the couple was visiting a church in Arkansas for a funeral. The church was busy with activity as people packed supplies to help a Romanian orphanage. 

A woman pushed a picture of a girl over to them and said, "You need to adopt this girl." Terry said Dorcas was so moved, she couldn't talk.

 That small gesture of a photo and a suggestion they should adopt a child in need, led the couple to pray and seek guidance. They adopted daughter Mirabela in 1998, Melinda in 2000, Cathi in 2001 and Izabela in 2003. The family moved to Del Rio in 2003. Terry is pastor of Grace Community Church. The girls joined brothers Michael, Jeremy and Stephen. 

"The adoption was the first step," Terry said. "We felt like the Lord opened the door." Since Mirabela's adoption, Terry said they have been to Romania dozens of times to help at orphanages and to do pastor conferences.  

November is National Adoption Awareness Month and many agencies are promoting adoptions from state agencies, as well as international adoptions. 

Dorcas said they used the Bethany Christian Service (www.bethany.org) for Mirabela's adoption. Terry called the process timely, lengthy and costly. The couple underwent extensive background checks, and financial and home studies. Original paperwork was sent to translators and attorneys. "It's about like carrying a baby," Terry said of the nine-month process.  

They couple spent their 20th wedding anniversary in Romania getting Mirabela. "We felt in our heart that it was what we were supposed to do," Terry said, after seeing a picture of their daughter. 

Dorcas said there were many adjustments after the adoption. She said TV programs like "20/20" showed an accurate description of conditions in the orphanages. "It takes a while to adjust from the orphan mentality," Dorcas said. "They were not handled or loved" in the orphanage, Terry said. A couple of their daughters had security issues, because their comfort was more in their surroundings and not people, Dorcas said. 

Conditions in the orphanages also framed their experience. Dorcas said one of the girls drank a lot when she was adopted, because the orphanage staff limited their drinks. The girls also were caught hiding food or stuffing themselves. At the orphanage, they were never certain when or if they would get more food. 

Orphanage conditions caused some health and dental problems, but Dorcas says they are all healthy today. "All were fluent in English in six months," Terry said. The couple taught the language by picking up objects like glasses and using phonetics. 

Terry said most of the children were abandoned at birth. Three of their four daughters were left at the hospital to be raised in orphanages. It's commonplace, Dorcas said, for children to be placed in orphanages there.  "We've hidden nothing from the children about the adoption," Terry said. The family embraces the Romanian culture every opportunity including visits to restaurants and visits from the people from the orphanages. 

Dorcas said their experience has been shared with others working on international adoptions. "Is it easy? No," Dorcas answers. Some go into adoption with a romantic idea, she said. Social workers helped the family through issues following the adoptions. "We're very grateful of how they're doing," she said. "Like with any child, there are no guarantees. To see them blossom, that really means a lot."

 Dorcas said the family blended well. Dorcas said her sons were great. Today, the children range in age from 10 to 28. "They'll fight for their sister," she said of her sons. The couple recently celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary with a special trip to Colorado.  

In Mexico 

Dorcas helped Tom and Lana Sutherland become adoptive parents after young Karen caught Tom's attention as he volunteered at the children's home, Nueva Fuente de La Vida in Acuña, Coahuila, Mexico.

 

Tom is associate pastor at Grace Community Church. He said he was working with the children's home as part of the church's ministry in Mexico. "I would go over there," he said. "There was always a child in my peripheral." Eventually, the child began following Tom around. "It was Karen." 

He and Lana talked and they sponsored Karen's Christmas when she was 10. Eventually, they became her godparents and adopted her when she was 12. "We had no intention to adopt a child," Tom said. "Our intention was to help." The children's homes operated through private funds and need help. He said they offered food, clothing and encouragement to the children and help to keep the home running. 

The adoption was discussed at a family meeting with Tom, Lana, their son Joey, daughter Katie and son-in-law Keivon Liburd. Tom said everyone shared his or her thoughts. "It was a shock" to the family, because adoption was never their intention.

 Tom and Lana met on the flight line at Laughlin Air Force Base where they were both stationed here. The couple will celebrate their 27th wedding anniversary this year. Following their military service, they decided to stay here. Tom became a police officer and Lana managed Wildwood Apartments for 20 years. She is a real estate broker at Sutherland Realty. 

"We caution people we encounter to be patient and go slow," Tom said. Adoption can be a strenuous process on a couple's relationship as well as to existing children.  As Dorcas coached the Sutherlands through the international adoption process, Tom does that for others today. He meets people generally through the volunteer work he does in Acuña. He gives prospective parents information from federal agencies on citizenship immigration services and walks them through the process. 

He has pictures in his office of families recently united through adoptions and others, who continue to work their way through the process. "Think of living in a fishbowl," Tom said, because that's what adoptive parents have to go through to become parents. "You have to qualify," he said of being an adoptive parent. First and foremost, Tom said parents have to know a child to a child to adopt." 

Finding a child who needs parents and is available for adoption may be the easiest part of the process. Tom ticks off a list of requirements for international adoptions including passports, criminal background checks, financial disclosures, reference letters, letters from employers, social workers to complete adoption home studies of the family and documents. Tom said families must provide documents to both U.S. and Mexican officials, which require translation from English to Spanish by certified translators. 

A white binder is filled with copies of all the paperwork he and Lana submitted. He said it's easier to "show and tell" other couples about the work involved. The U.S. State Department cautions people the process may take 18 months to two years, Tom said. "They are absolutely right in doing so," he said. The Sutherlands made it through the process in nine months, but Tom says that's unusual. He's currently working on a case to help a couple adopt four girls. This case will take two years. 

It's time consuming, because families are applying to the U.S. government and trying to satisfy requirements while also applying to the Mexican government and trying to satisfy their requirements. To adopt in Mexico, Tom said families have to hire an attorney and, on the U.S. side, they need to hire an adoption agency or may hire a social worker who can provide information directly to government agencies. 

Children in the homes are legal guardians of the governor of the Mexican state. Those in Acuña are under Coahuila's governor and Tom said adoptive families work with the governor's representative. 

The Sutherlands' daughter is 15 now. She became an American citizen when she was adopted. Tom said they have encouraged her to seek dual citizenship, because she is a minor. The family will work with the Consulate of Mexico in Del Rio on this.

Expense and joy 

"It's very different to deal with a foreign country," Tom said. "It's best to remember we are their guests." He has encouraged parents to be patient, because impatience could set the process back. "It's best to check our American mindset at the border." Frustration is expected, but Tom tells families if you have to scream, go somewhere else to do it. "Be patient." 

Tom said his background in criminal investigations helped him complete the paperwork for the adoption process, which kept their costs down. The adoption experience is "nerve-racking," Tom said whether it's international or domestic. "You give them all the information," he said and then you wait. International adoptions are more expensive due to travel and the duplication of paperwork and translation fees. 

Dorcas said adoption isn't for everyone. It can be expensive. An international adoption may cost $20,000, but Dorcas said some of their adoptions cost more. "My feeling is that not everyone can adopt, but should help support others," she said. 

"It's a long process, but it's worth it," Dorcas said. "Most people don't think a thing about getting a car loan, but that's not eternal." 

While agencies like Bethany Christian Services are available, Dorcas said local agencies like Baptist Star and Pathways connect parents with children in the foster care system. Dorcas said it's important to find a reputable agency to help with the adoption process. She mentions www.adoptablekids.com and Children's House International at www.childrenshouseinternational.com. 

Dorcas said people might think they'll save money by doing the work themselves, but they may spend more. "People honestly spend a lot of money on their own," she said. With laws frequently changing, she recommended working with a reputable agency.

 The best advice Tom can offer about the process is to hold on. "If you make a decision to do this," he said, "you've got to bite down like a bulldog and hold on." Individuals and issues will try to shake your resolve, he said of the adoption process. Couples return to him after the adoption is complete and say, "Boy, was that an understatement." 

Ways to help in Mexico 

Children are placed in the homes for a variety of reasons. Tom said some are placed there by Mexican social services due to abuse or neglect. It could be due to financial reasons. Family members may not be able to afford taking care of the children. "Some children are outright orphaned," he said. "They have no family." 

Grace Community Church is currently working with an all-girls children's home in Acuña called Monto Coahuila. Anyone interested in helping the children's home can contact Tom at (830) 703-9173. People can volunteer or make donations to help, he said. Faith Missions works in Acuña and can be reached at 775-6629. People may also contact their own church to see about mission work in Mexico.